And So It Is
Now is the time to bow out or jump right in and step up, truly, madly, deeply.
And so I ask,
What feels right?
What feels true, for me?
What is this doubt? Is it fear? Is it self-sabotage? Is it an ULP???
And this is where I get stuck…
Am I scared of stepping up?
Am I scared of missing out?
Or does it just not feel right because it actually isn’t right for me.
I look at what’s in front of me, what’s possible.
I see that I could have it all.
and yet…there’s still something inside of me saying, “No. No, this is not the place for you. “
I ask the voice, “Are you Fear?”
But deep down I know it is not.
This voice is quiet, this voice is clear, this voice is soft.
She doesn’t yell at me.
She doesn’t berate me.
She doesn’t explain herself or list the reasons why she’s right.
And I cry as I feel everything I ever wanted slip away, a circle of women, a purpose-led career, a Village, LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of money.
They’re all still within my reach, I put out my hand to touch them and she lays her hand on me gently and with so much love and tenderness in her voice it brings tears to her eyes she says again, “No. This is not for you.”
And so I release it.
I let it all go.
I surrender to her and in doing so I surrender to me.
And despite the despair in the pit of my stomach, despite the thoughts, worries, concerns of, Will I ever do anything of such importance on my own? Will I ever have a circle of women around me? Will I ever make money? Will I ever….?
Maybe I’m giving up the opportunity of a lifetime.
Maybe these women will never want to speak to me again.
Maybe I’ll never be trusted again.
Maybe I’ll appear flakey, unreliable and irresponsible.
Despite all of this, there’s a lightness, there’s an actual weight that’s been lifted off my shoulders. And that’s when I know.
I’ve been holding my breath for so long it’s a relief to let go.
I was never meant to come back.
I was always meant to move forward.